"Are you serious?"
Markie looked up from her laptop and stared at the stunned expression of her assistant, Arlene. Blinking her eyes, she nodded. "Yeah, of course, I'm serious."
Arlene's eyes grew wider. "But Markie, this will cost us P300,000! Are you thinking straight?"
"Arlene, please." Markie sighed and leaned comfortably against her leather swivel chair. "Stop worrying about it. These materials Edward's team came up with are trash. If we keep these, we'll save P300,000 but lose a P3 million deal. If we throw these away, we'll lose 300 grand but profit two million. Need I explain more?"
Arlene shook her head, groaning as if trying to wake up from a terrible dream as she walked around the sparkling white and lime green office. "But how do you know that? How do you know these materials are trash and that we will come up with something a lot better?"
Markie grinned and reached for a black portfolio from her side table. "Here. Take a look at these then answer your own question."
Grabbing it, Arlene sat down and intently browsed through the pages. "Oh my God! This is brilliant! All the market stats and trends are here and everything screams exactly what this ad campaign is about. Markie, how in the world did you do this?"
"Nah. I had some free time last Sunday." She got up from her desk and walked to the window overlooking the beautiful Manila skyline. "Now go tell Edward to stop whatever it is that they're still doing. This pitch is bleeding and it's now ours to mend. Set up the team meeting at 3 PM and make sure to bring me some caramel macchiato. I need my thinking boost."
Now grinning, Arlene got up and began collecting her folders. "Alright! I'll go break the bad news. See you later at 3!"
Markie let out a sigh of relief the moment the office door closed. This industry was going to kill her if she pushed any further.
She loved it. She loved cracking her head with ideas for the best advertising campaigns in the country. And indeed, the best came from hers. She was being modest about it. Her ad campaigns, even when she was still a copywriter a year ago, were legendary. They garnered results. They kept the clients coming back. Which was why three months ago, the company made her the senior creative director. Since then, she'd been saving accounts by revising existing campaigns and leading the new projects in a whole new direction.
But it demanded almost everything from her. She hardly slept on weekdays, she almost always forgets to eat, she fell victim to the mundane routine of home, work, home, work.
Don't forget to dunk your head in the water sometimes, she remembered Jay telling her. You are the craziest woman I've ever known.
Remembering her best friend since eight, she walked back to her desk and dialled his number.
"What do you want? Cranberry Streusel Cheesecake or Italian Cannoli Cake?" Jay greeted without preliminaries. Markie could hear the noise of the kitchen.
She grinned and sat against the edge of her large desk. "Both. I can't believe you're asking me that question. You know I want everything you make."
"You can just buy these cakes in Manila, you know? You don't have to wait for hours for them."
"Everything tastes better when it’s free, Jay."
"For someone who earns six digits a month, you sure are stingy," Jay grumbled though she could hear him smile on the phone. "Now, what do you want with me? Do you already miss me?"
She laughed. "Not really. I just miss your cooking. I have the next five days free."
"Perfect. Because as it happens, it's Christmas. Glad you can actually get some days off for the most important holiday of the year."
"Jay! You're making fun of me. I don't want to be busy but I don't have a choice. Now, are you going to lecture me or make plans for Christmas?"
He sighed. "Well, I'd love to take you on a cruise as you've been nagging me to do but I can't leave the restaurant for Christmas. People flood in during the holidays. You can stay in Cavite with everyone if you want."
Markie, by the way, was an orphan. Her mother died when she was two due to cancer and her father died in a car crash on her high school graduation. She finished school through her parents very little savings, a scholarship and Jay's parents' help. The closest thing she had to a family was Jay and his huge clan who adored her. She loved them though she knew his parents have always been rooting for her and Jay to get married someday. She and Jay would just laugh at that. It was a crazy idea.
"Nah. It doesn't feel right for me to be there when you're not. Can I crash at your place for the holidays? Mine looks depressing because I never had time to put up a tree or hang any Christmas decorations."
"Well, the second bedroom is currently unavailable. I just bought some new chairs and tables and I stuffed them all there because we've utilized all the space downstairs for all the guests coming in during the holidays. My bedroom is messy."
Markie rolled her eyes. "Please tell me something new. Of course your room is messy. But it will do. I just need to get out of the city."
He smirked. "Gee, thanks for the obvious appreciation of my company this Christmas. It's very heartwarming."
She laughed and plopped down on her chair. "Yup, all I really need for Christmas is just a place to crash. Yours will do. Don't worry, I can buy you a santa hat or something like that."
He sighed and she grinned her cheeks tired. "Fine. So, what time do I pick you up later?"
"Probably around 5 in the afternoon. Thank you Froggie!"
"Silly woman. I'll see you later."
"See ya!"
v v v
Jay stared at her purple-coated face and tugged on the baggy college PE shirt she wore. "Markie, wake up."
But considering that she slept like a log, she didn't budge. He glanced around her night stand and found foil packs of Valium. He frowned and threw them in the trash. No wonder.
Jay straightened up and shook his head.
He will never know what to do with her. Fifteen years ago, he didn't know. Even with fifteen more years of friendship, he still wouldn't know.
Which was probably why he could just never completely extract himself from her.
Markie was like a drug. The more he wanted to quit, the more he couldn't live without it.
He glanced at his watch. He needed to get back to the restaurant in two hours. But he needed to bring Markie along with him. Not because she would never forgive him for it but because he wouldn't be able to take Christmas without her. Sure, she'd drive to the restaurant to yell at him for leaving her but the point was, he needed her to be there as much as possible.
Sighing, he walked to the bathroom, found a face towel and a small basin then went back to the bedroom.
Sitting down on the bed next to her, he began wiping off the thick purple cream she had on her face. Women call them masks but he never understood what purpose they served. Markie's explanations were an hour-long with more beauty jargons he's ever heard in his life that he just tuned out everytime she tried to tell him what they were for.
He smiled. Her cheeks were pink. They did something to his stomach.
When her face was finally clean, he went to her closet and hunted through the very neat pile of clothes. Her duffel bag stood by the door empty. He figured she must have fallen asleep while trying to pack. He couldn't blame her. She hardly slept since she got promoted. He dumped some clothes into the bag and took out the pretty, sorbet yellow sweater dress he gave her last month. Markie went to work, to the mall, to the grocery, to restaurants --practically anywhere in form-fitting clothes that asked for nothing but lust and when he saw this dress, he thought it would be perfect for her. It was softly knitted with a boat neckline and it fit snugly when she tried it out.
He went back to her sleeping form sprawled on the bed and began slipping the shirt off of her. He tried not to look. He'd undressed her countless of times in their entire friendship when she was drunk and had puke all over her or when she was sick or having a fit while soaked in the shower. She wasn't wearing a bra underneath the shirt and Jay had to look away and swallow the lump in his throat.
The bane of friendship with the woman one is in love with.
He grabbed the candy pink strapless bra he saw from the armchair and carefully slipped it on her, his fingers trembling as they snapped on the lock in front. Markie just whimpered and turned to the one side. Then, as fast as he could, he tugged the dress down from her head down to her thighs. Markie was a petite and slender woman who wasn't difficult to roll around the bed.
Then he found her favorite white flats and carried them along with the duffel bag to his waiting car downstairs before going back up to get her.
"Let's go." He lifted her into his arms and carried her downstairs to the front seat of his car.
Once in the car, she slumped forward even with the seat adjusted to drop back and the safety belt fastened. It didn't look too comfortable for her so he grabbed his sweater from the back seat and spread it on his lap. Cradling her head slowly, he let her rest against his thigh, her legs curled as she snuggled up closer to him.
"Lord, help me."
But he smiled. He kept on smiling as he drove along, his other hand holding hers as she slept.
v v v
They met when she was eight and he was ten because of a frog.
Markie needed to bring a frog to her science class and she was scouring the grassfield beside the school's track oval for one. She could ask her father to get one for her but she always sees him go home as tired as an old man from work each night. She didn't want to bother him.
Jay, popular since youth for his money and the many sports he played, was kicking a football around with some of his friends when the ball flew and hit her in the head. When he came to get the ball, he gave her a very strange look as she bent over the grass on her knees, her skirt hiked up to the yellow shorts she wore under it.
"What are you doing?" he asked as he took the ball she handed. "Are you planting something?"
She rolled her eyes and dabbed her cheeks only to streak on more dirt. "No. I'm looking for a frog. Miss Diaz told us to bring one tomorrow to class. I can't find any here."
Jay stared at her for a long time before running back to his friends to leave the ball with them. Then he ran back to her and pulled her up by the wrist. "You won't find any here. Let's go. I think there are some by the water tank."
They went to the back of the school where the water tank was erected in the middle of a thick patch of grass. They spent half an hour looking and waiting for frogs until Jay got his hand on a big fat brown one which they confined in a bottle.
"There you go, Mudpie. I hope you don't slice him to death," he told her, tightening the sheet of plastic he locked with a rubber band at the mouth of the bottle.
"I hope so too. I don't think I'll like it," she'd replied staring at the frog.
"I'm Jay Perez," he said, extending a hand. "What's your name?"
"Markie. I'm Marciella Guzman but I hate that name. Everyone calls me Markie."
"But that's a guy's name," he argued as she shook his hand.
"Yeah and I like it," she said with a big smile. "I need to get back. I don't want to miss the bus."
"Okay. Let's go."
"Thank you. I will never forget you," Markie had shyly said when he walked her back to the school field. Then she got up and kissed his cheek before dashing away.
The next day, Markie presented her frog to class, naming him Froggie Jay while telling them how she and Jay found him. She didn't realize everyone in her class knew who Jay was. The girls did because a lot of them had a crush on him. After class, they started telling everyone she named a frog after Jay.
When Jay heard this, he got annoyed because all his friends were teasing him. He found her by the waiting shed, clutching the bottle with Froggie Jay in iit as she waited for the school bus.
She saw him walking toward her and she got up, her face breaking into a bright grin. She reached into her pink backpack and the moment he reached her, she shoved a plastic bag of what looked like cookies under his nose.
"Here. I made you these when my Dad and I were baking last night.I just didn't know how to find you today."
He stepped backward to see it better. They were frog shaped cookies with colored icing for eyes and noses.
Slowly he took the bag and opened it. "You made these... for me?"
She nodded. "I just wanted to thank you. I got a star for presenting Froggie Jay to class today."
He took one out and bit into it. It was soft and sweet with nut crumbs in it. "You named him after me."
She nodded. "Yeah. Because you found him. I never would have on my own."
He bit more into the cookie. "This is delicious. Thanks."
"You're welcome," she said, her smile widening, her beautiful long-lashed eyes twinkling.
Jay, some years later, would think that that was the moment he fell in love with her.
He didn't know it then but he knew, as best as a 10-year-old kid would understand it, that Markie was special. He went with her back to the field to let Froggie Jay go, he sat with her every afternoon waiting for the bus, he ate lunch with her by the school grotto, he biked to her house during the weekends to hang out, he helped her with her homework, he gave her whatever flowers he could pick from his mother's garden, he defended her against some of the bullies from his class, he learned how to bake so he could make her cookies, he drew silly crayon houses he promised he will build for her someday.
They became the best of friends and over the years, Jay only loved her more, even as she became more difficult after her father died in high school and when she started smoking, drinking, partying and flirting with boys and getting into all sorts of trouble during college. He wanted to tell her how he felt and he once tried. It was Valentine's Day on her junior year and they were picknicking at the back of his pick up after he drove from Tagaytay where he already began running his restaurant just so they could celebrate. She just broke up with a boyfriend then and she was being ruthless as she trash talked all guys in general.
"Not all boys will hurt you, Markie," he told her, sipping his bottle of beer. "You just have to give the right boy the chance."
"I've dated so many guys, Jay. If there was a Mr. Right, I should've met him by now."
He glanced at her. "Maybe you have but you just don't recognize him."
She laughed. "Trust me, Jay. The only guys I think of and look at without malice are your Dad, your Lolo and you. So if Mr. Right came up to me, there's definitely great possibility that he'll be given his chance."
"You never thought of me with malice?"
She choked on her beer, laughing. "Of course not! I'm not demented. Bestfriends are totally off limits. I don't even think of you as a member of the opposite sex in my head. Just because I know their characteristics don't apply to you. You're a good guy and that's why you're my best friend."
He looked away, disappointed and disheartened. "Great. That surely does wonders to my ego, Mudpie."
She grinned and hugged him tight. "Aaw, Froggie, don't fret. Even if I will never date you, you're still the guy I love the most in this lifetime."
He relented, blushing, especially when she leaned her head against his shoulders and hugged him for a long time.
Since that night, he decided that there was no way he and Markie could be together in that way. So he moved on. He dated Patricia whom he met in college. She was a medical student then and she was beautiful, demure and almost perfect except for the fact that she wasn't Markie. But she was such a devoted girlfriend that Jay had decided to try as hard as he could to love her back.
He even tried to avoid Markie who was still finishing up college in Manila. And in a weird way, Markie didn't bug him as much as she used to when he didn't visit her as frequently as before. He liked Patricia and they could have gone on like that had Markie not dated a complete asshole who tried to force himself on her during graduation night.
He and Patricia went with his parents to attend Markie's graduation ceremony and the dinner they organized in one of the restaurants his family owned. After that, Markie then went out with some college pals to a bar party with her new boyfriend, rich brat Mike Limson and though Jay had the strongest urge to drive her so he could watch her back, he resisted and decided to head back to Tagaytay with Patricia. They just arrived at the restaurant where he lived in the second floor when Markie called to tell him she was in jail for breaking a bottle against Mike's head when he cornered her in the bar's restroom insisting they have sex there.
Without thought to Patricia, he hopped back into his car and drove to Manila to get her. She was waiting to be bailed out because Mike, being the son of an influential family, had managed to twist the story around and file a complaint against her.
He found her sitting on a bench inside the prison cell, beautiful and broken in her soft pink dress, her mascara streaking, her hair messy. He saw how she was struggling not to cry. Jay stood there realizing he was nowhere near forgetting her as he was a year ago. When she stepped out of the cell and saw him, she walked over so slowly, stopping a foot away from him, her head low, her hands fidgeting.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered, her voice trembling. "I couldn't call your folks. I was... I was ashamed."
He didn't say a word. He just pulled her close and hugged her for a long time until she stopped crying. He decided to bring her to Tagaytay so she wouldn't be alone but Markie kept protesting because Patricia was there. He didn't care. They arrived and found Patricia waiting in her pajamas, her face grim and cold.
He ignored her. He dragged Markie to the second bedroom, brought her some of the clothes she left in his closet when she used to sleep over during the weekends, and tucked her in bed.
He went back to his bedroom where Patricia was reading in bed. He mumbled a brief goodnight before burying himself underneath the sheets, his back turned to her. He couldn't get Markie off his mind. He couldn't get the picture of her sitting there in prison out of his head.
Finally, when Patricia went to bed and sounded like she was sleeping, he slipped out to check on Markie who wasn't in her room.
He went downstairs and found her sitting by the huge, fluffy couch that faced the veranda and the beautiful view of the hills. She was wrapped in an afghan, her hair softly gathered on her right shoulder.
"You're still up," he said in the silence that she turned around and tried to smile at him. "Want to talk?"
"Nah, I'm just too hyped up, that's all." She reverted her gaze to the veranda. "You should go back to Patricia. She'll look for you."
He sat next to her and reached for her shoulder. "She's asleep. Markie... What happened tonight is like a bad dream. It will go away when we wake up tomorrow."
"I hope so. I just don't understand why I keep ending up with guys who like hurting me." She turned to him, her eyes angry. "Do I have a sign on my forehead that says: In desperate need of a jerk boyfriend?"
He smiled and put an arm around her. "Nope. Only a sign that says, Hey, I'm only human. The right guy will come along, kiddo."
She looked up at him. "I'm not a kid, Jay. I'm a woman. Do you never see me in that way?"
Jay stared at her, his throat tightening. She must be crazy for asking him that question. "Of course I do. You're all grown up now. It's obvious now that you no longer have snot running down your nose."
He started to laugh but stopped when he saw that she looked serious. "What?"
She shook her head and just snuggled closer to him. "Maybe I should have dated you when I still had the chance."
Not sure he heard her right, he asked, "What? What did you say?"
"Nothing. Thanks for helping me out, Froggie. I owe you one."
Then she fell asleep and Jay tortured himself with the uncertainty of what he heard. Nevertheless, he fell asleep an hour later, with Markie in his arms.
The next day, he went back to his room only to find it empty. He found the note Patricia left on his pillow.
It said: I know now what I have always been up against and why I never won. If you love her that much, don't keep lying to yourself. Goodbye, Jay.
He was back to square one.
There was no more Patricia to distract him and Jay was clueless on how to carry on feeling this way about a girl he's not supposed to be in love with.
When he told Markie Patricia left, she just stood there by the barbecue grill with a quirky green bandana, looking awfully cute in a denim jumpsuit and white sweater, her face serious and contemplating. "Did you love her?"
He decided he could be honest about that. "No. I never got there. "
She nodded and made no other comments. Later that night, she surprised him with candlelit dinner at the veranda. She was in a nice white dress and some of their favorite old love songs were playing in the background.
"What's all this for?" he asked, feeling ridiculous that couldn't get the silly grin off his face.
She smiled and walked up to him. "My thank you, for everything. Though I took the ingredients out of your fridge. It's not as yummy as when you would cook it but I hope you like it anyway. It's the thought that counts."
He laughed and joined her at the table. After dinner, Markie pulled him to his feet and pressed herself close to him. "Come on, let's dance."
His heart thudded like crazy as they slowly swayed to the song, Markie's hand entwined with his, her face pressed against his chest. He felt like crying.
"You never asked me out," she murmured.
"What do you mean? I always asked you out on the weekends to go the mall or do something."
She pulled away slightly so she could look at his face. "I mean like on a date."
His heart did a backflip. "But you said bestfriends are totally off limits."
God, he felt stupid for saying that.
She smiled and nodded. "I said that, didn't I?"
"Yeah, you did."
"But did you ever want to?"
"Take you out on a date?"
"Yeah."
Jay struggled. Markie has always been the queen of rhetorical questions. And he wasn't sure if she was just being rhetorical that night. He didn't want to risk telling her the truth then if that was the case.
So instead he said, "Are we getting to a point here?"
"Yes."
"And what's the point?"
The point is this." She stood on her tiptoes and pressed her lips against his. Jay couldn't fight back. And why should he fight back anyway?
So he kissed her back.
It was nothing like he ever expected or dreamed of. The kiss started slow and sweet, building up to what he knew would be a dangerous point if they didn't sort out what was happening first. But he couldn't stop. He never wanted to stop.
But then Markie pulled away a bit for air and she smiled, her cheeks flushed. He'd always loved seeing her blush. "I never knew you knew how to kiss like that."
He smiled and pressed a soft kiss on her mouth. "Now you do."
And they kissed again.
A couple of hours and tons of kisses later, they sat on the couch by the veranda, cuddling. They didn't try to explain or put a name to whatever it was that was happening between them. They knew they were bound to but that night, they decided to just let go and follow wherever it took them.
He wanted to tell her he loved her but he feared it would scare her away. So it remained in silence.
They found themselves on the same bed later, kissing, laughing, making out, cuddling, until they fell asleep.
The next morning, they woke up next to each other and they couldn't stop smiling. Jay carried her like a child to the kitchen, kissing on the way that they bumped into several tables and walls. He set her down the counter and made breakfast for them.
"Here you go," he said as he placed a plate of omelette, bacon and toast in front of her. "Eat so you won't be too skinny."
She dug into the plate, sticking her tongue out at him. "I'm hardly skinny. But this is delicious. I expect gourmet breakfast from now on."
He grinned and poured them some pineapple juice. "You always get gourmet breakfast from me when you're staying over."
"Yeah I do, but now I expect no complaints along with it like you don't want to get out of bed yet, etcetera, etcetera."
"But that's only because you climb into my bed at 4 in the morning demanding for food because you're starving."
She smiled and leaned forward, her face close to his. "Get used to it. Do you promise to make me complaint-free gourmet breakfast everytime I'm here?"
"Maybe," he answered with a casual shrug.
"You should if you wanna keep your new girlfriend."
He gazed into her eyes. "My new girlfriend?"
She blushed and lowered her eyes. "Yeah. If you'll have me."
He smiled and touched his forehead against hers. "Yeah, I'll have you. It doesn't seem to be that much trouble."
She laughed and threw her arms around his neck. "Oh really, huh? Not yet, Froggie. You just wait."
He closed his eyes and kissed her.
God.
Thirteen years of waiting for her, of loving her secretly. And now she was his.
"Come here, Mudpie," he murmured, fighting the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes. He hugged her, his lips pressing gently against her hair. "I'm never letting you go, you hear that?"
She laughed softly and tightened her arms around him. "You better not. I have the tendency to run from all sorts of good things, Froggie. Don't let me ever make that mistake again."
"No. Never."
v v v
But Markie did.
She didn't run though. Slipped away was more like it.
Two days after they got together, she received a call from Market Makers Advertising where she did her on-the-job-training. They needed a copywriter in New York. They wanted to hire her. She wanted to go and he let her. She was needed there for at least a year then she could move back to the country.
Markie suspected Jay loved her. That he always had all these years. And she suspected she might be in love with him too. But she didn't want to screw up whatever it was that they had going by being too impulsive or reckless.
But she didn't want to leave him. She wanted the job but she didn't want to leave him.
She also didn't know what to do about it.
She left it to destiny.
And destiny had different ideas.
On her last night in Tagaytay, she and Jay were walking along the trail toward the restaurant. He held her hand so quietly as he had all throughout their walk during sunset.
"You know, happy memories are lighter to bring. And usually, happy memories include some conversation," she joked, smiling at him.
He smiled softly. "I'm just thinking."
"About what?"
"About whether you'll say yes or no when I ask you to marry me."
She stopped in her tracks. "You... You w-want to...You want to marry me?"
"I think I just made that obvious."
She blinked, utterly stunned. "But... But how can you... I mean, it's only been a week... How can you be so sure?"
He grinned and fished a paper out of his pocket. He handed it to her.
She stared at him before unfolding the paper.
In the glorious, golden flood of sunset all around them, her eyes fell on a colorful drawing of a house with stick figures labeled Markie and Jay.
"I drew that back in sixth grade, right before graduation when I decided I will have no other girlfriend or wife but you. That's how long I've known I wanted to marry you, Mudpie."
Tears stung her eyes.
Thirteen years have passed and she never knew. "Oh, God, Jay. I had no idea..."
He smiled and took a small velvet box out. He opened it and inside was a beautiful platinum ring with a large square cut diamond in the middle.
"Markie, will you marry me?”
She bit her lower lip, staring at the ring. “But Jay, what if… What if I make your life miserable?”
He laughed. “What if you don’t? We’ve been best friends for thirteen years, Mudpie. What more damage can you possibly do to me?”
Despite her tears, she laughed. “Point taken.”
Jay’s smiled disappeared as he took the ring out and stepped closer to her. “So, what do you say? Can you take a lifetime with me?”
She sniffed, her tears slipping down her cheeks. “I should be asking you that. But yeah. I think I can.”
His face broke into a big grin and he easily slipped the ring on her finger before cupping her face for a sweet, slow kiss.
It was official.
For the first time in her life, Markie felt she was finally doing something right.
How could have I not seen this coming at all? She wondered, staring at his sleeping face as they lay together in bed later that night.
She smiled and pressed a kiss against his bare shoulder.
She loved him. She knew that now.
All these years, it sneaked its way into her. Each time he held her as she cried. Each time he lectured her that she deserved better. Each time he made her breakfast and told her she could be fat and still have the entire male population go crazy over her. Each time he walked out of the door when he found her making out with a guy. Each time he drove her anywhere she needed to be. Each time she kissed him on the cheek and called him Froggie. Each time he carried her to bed when she got so drunk and passed out.
For each time he loved me, I loved him right back.
Slowly his eyes fluttered open. When he caught her gaze, he smiled. “What?”
She propped herself up on her elbows and kissed his chin. “Nothing. I was just staring at you. You’re cute when you’re asleep.”
He laughed. She knew it wasn’t true. Jay always had that good-boy handsomeness about him that enthralled many girls. He never seemed to have noticed that all these years.
“Well, I think, that you’re absolutely beautiful,” he said, catching a lock of her hair between his fingers. “I’ve wanted to tell you that all these years.”
She grinned silly like a shy school girl. “Now you have a lifetime to tell me that each and every single day.”
v v v
They were crazy about each other.
There was no argument about that.
But how did they slip away?
Markie flew to New York a week later. She promised to come back after a year then they could get married.
The new lifestyle overwhelmed her. She constantly had to prove herself. She needed to get to know everyone.
Her direct supervisor was a slightly egoistic yet good-looking Fil-Am named Gabriel Lockley. He liked her and he made no effort to conceal that.
A month after she arrived in New York, their department threw a party at Gabriel’s pad. They were a noisy and wild gang. Wilder than she had been ready for.
Gabriel never left her side. He followed her everywhere. He handed her drinks, he gave her cigarettes to smoke. She immediately detected that the drinks were doing something else to her but she didn’t care. She was in nirvana. It’s been a while since the world floated around her.
She woke up the next day with the worst migraine she’s ever had, only to find herself in the same bed with Gabriel. She still had all her clothes on and she knew nothing happened. He must have passed out before anything could.
She went home feeling horrible. Hours later, she couldn’t lift herself off the bathroom floor of her apartment. She was bleeding nonstop. She called her only reliable friend at work, Amanda, who took her to the hospital before she had a hemorrhage.
The doctor came to her room later to talk. She was a pretty lady with silver blonde hair and kind green eyes.
She had to ask questions Markie didn’t have the answers for.
“Have you been taking drugs, Miss Guzman?”
She quickly shook her head. “No, I haven’t. The closest I’ve come to taking drugs was smoking pot once in college. That’s all.”
But somewhere in the back of her head, she knew that wasn’t probably true.
“Your urine results indicate otherwise. I’m sorry Miss Guzman but you’ve had a miscarriage.”
She felt her hearing abruptly shut off. The only things that reverberated in her head were the doctor’s words You’ve had a miscarriage... You’ve had a miscarriage…
Finally the rest of the doctor’s explanation echoed through. “You were a week short of two months. You don’t look like you knew. I’m very sorry.”
She left the hospital two days later dazed and terrified.
She couldn’t call Jay. Not yet. She didn’t know how to tell him.
She didn’t know how to tell him that they lost their baby because she got wasted in a party and ended up in bed with her jerk boss.
She filed her resignation. During her last two weeks, she hunted for a job that would keep her in New York. She couldn’t go home yet. She couldn’t face anyone who knew her.
She got a job as an assistant segment writer in Manhattan Daily, an early morning TV news show. No one in the Philippines knew what she’d been doing. She avoided Jay’s calls. She barely emailed or sent pictures.
She had turned into a growing pile of mess. She drastically lost too much weight. She rarely went home to sleep. She buried herself with work. She wanted to kill herself with work.
Then one day on Christmas Eve, she arrived at her apartment and found Jay waiting. He had a bouquet of flowers and a hopeful smile.
She wanted to run away.
She was sick that time. Dry cough.
“Mudpie, what happened to you?” Jay blurted out when she stepped out from the shadows of the front hall. “You don’t look… okay.”
“I’ve been busy. And the weather’s crazy cold here,” she tried to explain as casually as she could. She dropped her bag on an armchair and went to the fridge. She had her hand on a beer but took out a pitcher of water instead.
“Want a drink? Sorry, I don’t have much food in here. I’m rarely home.”
“Markie, what’s wrong?”
She stopped at the anger in his voice.
“What do you mean?”
“Are you just going to stand there and offer me a drink?” he demanded. “Are you just going to stand there and make small talk when your rare emails eclipsed into nothing a month ago, around the same time you didn’t bother to take a single call from me anymore? What is wrong Markie? I need to know.”
She couldn’t feel her heart. Just the huge pile of bricks that replaced it.
“I told you I’ve been busy. I’m sorry but work has been hellishly—“
“Cut that crap!” he snapped, grabbing her by the arm. “I called your company and they told me you resigned three months ago! Now tell me, what happened to you!”
“Okay, I lied! I lied!” she yelled back, pushing him away. “I resigned that cursed job! I resigned because my boss drugged me one night at a party. He drugged me, and I let him and I lost my baby!”
Jay froze. “What baby?”
Tears spilled from her eyes. “Our baby, Jay! Our baby!”
She collapsed on the chair, burying her face in her hands.
“Now go home and forget about me!”
She was sobbing when she felt Jay take her hands and move them away from her face. “Markie, you never told me you were pregnant.”
“I didn’t know until I got to the hospital. I was bleeding to death. I only found out when the doctor told me I had a miscarriage.”
“Why didn’t you tell me then, after you found out?”
His voice was gentle now. But Markie didn’t want his pity nor his forgiveness. She wanted his anger. His hate. Because those she could fight. Because those she could tear herself away from. Because those would strengthen her decision to finally let go.
“And say what? Hey Froggie, listen up. I freaking lost our child because I was stoned? Because after all this time, I never listened to you about doing something right with my life?! Now it’s not just my life that’s lost Jay. I lost our baby’s too.”
She looked away from his eyes that were now shining with hopeless tears.
God, she wanted to push him away and hold him close at the same time.
But she knew what she had to do. She knew she had to end it here –this madness, this delusion that she will be good enough for him.
“Now, Jay, for the last time, please, just leave me alone,” she said, looking past his shoulders and at the bouquet of yellow tulips that he’d left on the tabletop. Her voice trembled. “Go home and move on with your life.”
He put both of his hands on her knees as he took a deep breath and blinked back his tears. “Why are you doing this, Markie? I don’t think you realize what you’re asking me to do.”
She looked into his eyes. “I do. I am not that helpless, mud-streaked girl you found on the field thirteen years ago. You don’t need to take care of me. You can’t take care of what’s been long dead.”
But God, he didn’t want to believe her. She could see him fighting it.
Finally his tears fell and he closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against her knees. Her own tears spilled down and she turned my head away.
“Markie, do you know that I will forgive you for anything you that you can possibly do to me?” he whispered between quiet sobs.
She closed her eyes, biting her lower lip to keep herself from breaking down. “Don’t be a fool, Jay. I screwed up our chance and that’s it. There’s no more going back.”
“How much time do you need?”
She opened my eyes and gazed at the top of his head, smiling despite her tears at the way his hair softly waved, remembering how they felt against her fingers. She looked at her hand and saw the engagement ring he gave her. She slipped it off and pressed it against his hand. “The rest of my life, Jay. I’m sorry.”
And he cried quietly for an eternity more, pressed against her knees, before he stood up, picked up his bag and slipped out of the door.
She was right –in telling him to go. She forced herself to believe that. Jay was a good guy who deserved more than a mess like her. This was the best favor she could do for her bestfriend.
And that consoled Markie. Letting him go returned to her everything that she lost –everything but the ability to fall in love.
Three months later, she was pirated into Powerhouse Creatives as a senior copywriter. Her life started fixing itself on its own.
She found a better apartment, she bought a car, she gained back her health, she was happier. Not as happy as she once was but better than what hope she could hope for herself.
Eventually, reality forced her to face what she’s been long avoiding –home.
Powerhouse Creatives was opening its Asian branch in the Philippines. Her managers had told her that she had the option to do a lateral transfer if she wanted to. But she declined.
Then six months after the company in the Philippines opened, she was sent to save dwindling new accounts as the new Senior Creative Director.
She didn’t tell anyone she was flying back home.
It’s been almost two years since she’d left but she still wasn’t prepared to see anyone.
She settled into a posh condominium unit and got to work, still avoiding the inevitable –until one fine Saturday afternoon when she walked into Earth, a newly-opened restaurant where a client was going to meet her.
The client couldn’t make it and she decided to check out the pastries bar for goodies to bring home to her condo before she headed out. She was looking through the glass display rack when a bunch of cookies caught her attention.
These were small cookies shaped like frogs with colored icing for eyes and noses. They were labeled in a gold and brick-red card ‘Froggie’.
Markie froze then until a voice broke her out of stillness.
“Froggies, ma’am? They’re one of our bestsellers here,” the sunny-smiling waiter asked. “They’re the owner’s favorite.”
“And… and who’s…who’s the owner?” she managed to ask.
“Mrs. Perez, ma’am.”
Markie felt her knees go weak and she had to grip the edge of the counter. “You mean, he’s… he’s m-married?”
“My father, yes, he’s married,” said a voice that stopped her heart. “He’s married to my mother, who I’m sure you know as Mrs. Meredith Perez. I’m not married, Markie.”
She turned and found Jay standing behind her in a cool, light green knit shirt and khaki pants, his eyes dark and unreadable behind the slim pair of glasses he now wore.
“Jay,” was all that came out of her mouth.
She was so still that a customer almost bumped into her if Jay hadn’t grabbed her arm and gently pulled her aside.
“You okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” he joked, a small smile hovering on his lips. “It’s been almost two years.”
She smiled and nodded. “Yeah, it has.”
He didn’t look very comfortable so he gestured to the direction of the cookies in an attempt to change the subject. “I made those after you left and I brought my mom some. She liked them and decided to include them in the menu for the new restaurant she was opening here in Makati.”
She laughed softly. “Tita Meredith has always had a weakness for cookies. Are you still running Sky?”
“Yeah. It’s a lot bigger now. We expanded the first floor and widened the deck area. You should see it.”
A lot of things unspoken hung in the air.
Markie had a million things on her mind that she wanted to say to him but she couldn’t utter a sound.
“Listen,” he spoke up, shrugging casually, drawing Markie’s gaze to his broad shoulders. “I know it’s awkward but I’m not mad. I’m actually glad to see you and know that you’re okay. You look better than when I… when I last saw you.”
She nodded. “I have been better. I don’t know what kind of better but I think I’m holding up fine.”
He smiled. “Good to hear that. Hey, I have some angus steak about to lifted off the stove. Join me for dinner?”
‘No’ was at the tip of her tongue. It was what common sense told her. But she looked at him, realized how long it’s been since she’d seen him smile or listen to him talk and knew that she couldn’t pass this up. She was never good with common sense anyway.
At the back of Earth was a small veranda with a wooden coffee table set and a beautiful collection of his mother’s favorite flowers. She helped him bring out plates and utensils and a pitcher of their favorite coke and iced tea mix.
There were a lot of walls pulled up –Markie could feel it –but they spoke the way they used to and she was grateful.
She knew he didn’t hate her. She couldn’t feel it. He even seemed –relieved.
“You should have told us you were coming home,” he was saying as he finished his steak. “My parents would have loved to bring a placard to the airport and wait for you.”
She laughed. “I’m sure. How are they?”
“Still as happy and as in love as they were thirty-five years ago,” he answered, his face bearing a distant sad smile in the milky light of the veranda. “My folks have been lucky with each other.”
This was her cue.
“Jay, listen,” she started, fighting the tendency of her voice to fade. “I never got to apologize for lashing out at you when you came to New York. I was… I was a mess at that time. I’m sorry.”
He looked at her for a long time before nodding. “That’s okay. You’ve had worse tantrums. Don’t worry about it.”
“I’m sorry not just for the tantrum but for…everything.”
She endured the piercing stare of his eyes. She needed him to believe her. She needed him to understand. She needed him to forgive her.
“When I left that day, I was angry. I told myself I deserved better,” he began saying, his fingers toying with the hem of the table napkin. “I tried to carry on with my life. I tried to forget about you. But I couldn’t.”
“Jay—“
“Please let me finish,” he interrupted, holding up a hand. “I might as well get this out while we still have the chance.”
“Okay.”
“I wanted to hate you but I couldn’t. I could never hate you, Markie. Because before anything else, you’re my bestfriend. I realized that even though I wasn’t your lover anymore, I was and will always be your bestfriend. And that even if we lost our baby or our shot at marriage, we will always have what we found with each other fifteen years ago.”
Her tears were falling again. She smiled, despite the tears and laughed. “You just never learn, do you? You’re as bullheaded as ever.”
“I think you’re describing yourself, Mudpie.”
She laughed harder and threw him a crumpled paper napkin. “Idiot. You will always be an idiot when it comes to me.”
He grinned and took one last swig of his coke and iced tea mix. “Apparently, that’s true. I’ve missed you, Mudpie. And I’m glad you’re home.”
Some friendships only last for as long as they are together. Some friendships ended where the line was drawn between them and love. Some friendships could not forgive certain betrayals and sins.
And some friendships, just don’t know when to stop.